I am typing this post now because I really don’t know who I should turn to. I wonder if anyone is going to read this since I abandoned this page for ages. Maybe no one should. Just maybe.

More than a year ago, L told me that he wanted to quit his job to pursue his dream to start his own business. I supported his decision then as 1. I don’t rely on him financially since day 1;  2. I want to be a supportive partner as much as I can. So he made a quick decision to leave the job, and I just let him do his thing.

Months after he quited the job, L blurt out that he took a loan as a start up fund for his business. I was in shock to hear that, and became worried because I never ever believe in taking loans from banks. Banks are in my opinion just merciless money suckers, killing with their interest alone. When I told L about my concerns over this, he dismissed them by saying that it is common for start ups  to take loans for the business. I can only hope I can trust that he knows what he is doing.

Throughout these times, I picked up bit piece information about what L was working on. I know he went into a few ventures, from building a trading program, to smart home appliances and software, to Wanderhow, to app development, to ecommerce and business consultancy. I probably have missed out a few in between. As far as I know, none has really worked well so far.

Along the way, L borrowed a lump sum from me twice to tide over his finances. I was quite reluctant to lend the second time round, because I was after all supposed to be the safety net of the family. But I am also concerned that we might end up with a bigger debt elsewhere if the money do not come from me. So I did, to give my last financial support to him. Unfortunately, this means that the safety net is non existent as well. My bank savings has reached rock bottom. And above all, I still got to continue supporting the family expenses, which includes the childcare fees, food, expendables, the car instalment, plus my parents’ allowance.

To be honest, this topic has been a sensitive issue when raised. We have debated countless times over it in fact. But L is still dead sure that things will work out somehow as long as he does not give up. Each time I rant to him about my insecurities on our family finances, he would tell me “we will make it”, or bring up about being a Grab driver while he continues to work on his business during the flexi working hours. Though I suggested him to get a stable job several times, it remains his last option.

L would even say, you do know that I will need to travel very often next time right, because the outside world is where the money opportunities are. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But it seemed that he does not give much thought about the family or what I am going through when he said that, jokingly or not.

I would want to think I have given L his rightful chance to make his dream work as I do not want him to regret in the future. But I honestly have lost faith that this is going to work. I no longer know how to tell him where to draw the line or know when to stop. And what saddens me more is, perhaps due to the stress he faces, he has lost the patience he used to have with us, and no longer treat me the way he did. The constant anguish within the family is seriously draining all our energy..

I feel so suffocated typing till this point. Shall stop.